WORTHINESS & SHAME

How can women rise to the top if they don’t feel they belong there?

When something goes wrong, women are more likely to blame themselves. Yet when something goes right, they credit luck – or even other people – for their success.

(Men do the opposite.)

Women are more likely than men to be perfectionists, holding themselves back from answering a question, applying for a new job, asking for a raise, until they’re absolutely 100 percent sure they can predict the outcome.

(Women applied for a promotion only when they met 100 percent of the qualifications. Men applied when they met 50 percent.)

Women are a quarter as likely as men to negotiate a raise. We doubt our opinions and begin our sentences with “I don’t know if this is right, but…” so as to not come off as being too strong.

Because society tells us that strong is not feminine.

In a study of American & Canadian, here is what makes a woman “feminine:”

• being domestic

• caring for children

• being nice

• pursuing a thin body ideal

• showing modesty by not calling attention to one’s talents or abilities

• investing in a romantic relationship

• keeping sexual intimacy contained to one committed relationship

• using resources to invest in appearance

And that definition of leads to some really hard standards to live up to. And those standards have a negative, lasting impact that cause women to live start to live in shame — even at a very young age. Brene Brown’s research outlined in her book Daring Greatly found that women said shame is:

• Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is shaming.

• Being judged by other mothers.

• Being exposed – the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed.

• No matter what I achieve or how far I’ve come, where I have come from and what I’ve survived will always keep me from feeling like I’m good enough.

• Even though everyone knows that there is no way to do it all, everyone still expects it. Shame is when you can’t pull off looking like it’s under control.

• Never enough at home. Never enough at work. Never enough in bed. Never enough with my parents. Shame is never enough.

• No seat at the cool table. The pretty girls are laughing.

It’s so hard sometimes in our society that seems hellbent on shaming women. Did you know that shame is one of the primary destructive engines behind many mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, eating disorders, and addiction?

According to the Clinic on DuPont, which provide psychological services, for women, shame often arises when women fell they have “failed” to fulfill any of the conflicting expectations of society. This results in feelings of powerlessness and isolation.

In Brene Brown’s words, women feel the pressure to “do it all, do it perfectly, and never let them see you sweat.” It makes sense then that perfectionism is one of the most common responses to shame by women, because we feel the constant obligation to fulfill unrealistic ideals of being the perfect mother, wife, businesswoman, friend, caregiver, or student, AND having the perfect body, home, children, partner, education or career.

But there’s no such thing as PERFECT! Perfectionism is not only a problem because it is driven by shame and sets us up to FAIL, but also because it puts our sense of worthiness in the hands of others, as something to be negotiated on a daily basis. In other words, women feel they have to constantly HUSTLE FOR WORTHINESS.

First, we have to start to RECOGNIZE when we are agreeing to, doing or saying something that is an exception of others that is not true to ourselves.

Then, we have to PRACTICE unlearning the things society has told us determine our worth. We do this by believing in ourselves, listening to our guts, and doing the things that feel good and right to us. We still have to follow rules and laws; please don’t misunderstand my point. But, if you want to wear jeans to see your kids in the school play, and you know all the other moms will be wearing dresses, wear the damn jeans! If having your make up on and nails done makes YOU feel good, but your friends say you’re “high maintenance,” choose YOU and what you ENJOY! Anytime you hear that voice in the back of your head starting to ask, But what will they think…?” you are starting to choose society over your SELF.

Lastly, we have to SUPPORT each other. Let’s make a pact to not only give ourselves permission to be our boldest, truest selves — but to also clap for each other as we recognize others who are doing the same. It takes courage to change our own ways of thinking, to defeat negative self talk that we’ve been taught to believe for years, and to overcome the need for perfection.

Because we are worthy of all of this. NOW.