When the Truth Hurts . . . Literally

Wow! Is it really 2021 already? And I haven’t written a blog in over a year! UGH!! I had such big plans . . . so much that I’d wanted to accomplish and share since I wrote last.

And yet, here we are . . . 18 months later.

So much has happened in my life . . . and I’m going to be honest, the past 18 months have been hard. Like Sisyphus hard.

Do you know the story of Sisyphus? In Greek mythology, he was a king (who did some bad stuff,) and he was punished. His punishment was to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down every time it neared the top. And he was forced to repeat this action for eternity.

E T E R N I T Y ! !

I know that so many people had a very difficult 2020. On top of the Coronavirus itself, there was the masks, the economy, the toilet paper shortage (what was that about?) — it has all been, for lack of a better word, HARD. So, if your life has been impacted negatively, if you have days where you just don’t know how you will make it, or if you are a permanent passenger on the struggle bus, I’m writing this for you. I see you! I hear your anxiety, your sadness, and your fear . . . and I FEEL it.

Quite literally.

While many people wonder if and when life will go back to normal, I know for a fact that mine will not. Ever.

Now, make no mistake, I have not lost hope, and I am not trying to be a downer. But I am going to be REAL because I know that a sugar-coated, rah-rah post just isn’t in me right now. And you deserve my authenticity and my vulnerability.

Here’s why I disappeared for 18 months:

In 2020, as the world started shutting down, so did my body. I ended up in the ER for a pretty routine medical issue, but that visit lead to a spiral of concerns that crept up at different times. Just like Sisyphus and his boulder, as soon as I’d make progress and things were under control, my boulder would roll to the bottom of the hill, and I’d have to start all over again. These concerns lead to lots of testing while doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was in so much pain.

Finally, and I do mean FINALLY, I received a diagnosis. The doctors were able to determine that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) with some markers for also having Fibromyalgia. Now, Rheumatoid Arthritis ain’t your grandma’s arthritis. Rheumatoid Arthritis is an autoimmune disease, and it’s a FOREVER diagnosis. According to WebMD, in response to an unknown trigger, the immune system may begin producing antibodies that, instead of fighting infections, attack the body's own tissues. Treatment for autoimmune diseases generally focuses on reducing immune system activity.

Here’s some more information on Autoimmune Disease from John Hopkins Medicine.

Did you catch that last part about treatment? Reducing. Immune. System. Activity.

You guys, we are in the middle of a PANDEMIC, and I was being told that I would need medicine that suppressed my immune system. This was a lot to take in.

But I trusted my doctors. It did take finding the right combination of medicine before I started to feel (somewhat) like myself again. And I still have days, you guys. Days where it’s a little harder to get out of bed. Days where OTC pain meds don’t even touch the pain. Days where, no matter what’s on my to-do list, the brain fog is too heavy and nothing gets done. Those days are so hard for me because I have big goals and big dreams. It’s hard not to be disappointed when I can’t do even the simple things that I used to just blow through on those days. But I’m learning.

I am learning, maybe for the first time in my life, that I deserve the same grace that I offer to others. (Why is that sooo hard?)

I am learning to ask for help when I need it BEFORE it get upset or stressed out. And, to piggy back on that, I’m learning to ACCEPT help when it’s offered. (Again, why is that so hard?)

I am learning to listen to my body, to rest when I need it, knowing that the world won’t stop turning if I need to take a nap. (Ugh! Seriously, why is that so hard?)

If you know someone who has been diagnosed with an Autoimmune Disease or a Chronic Illness, please know that they might be mourning their old way of life. They might be fearful because this is a FOREVER diagnosis. There is NO CURE. And you know what, they might also be just plain tired. So, please be patient.

Here are some things NOT TO SAY to someone with an Autoimmune Disease or Chronic Illness.

I’ve told you all of this because I want you to know that I am not giving up on myself or my dreams despite my diagnosis. And I hope that I will inspire you, in some way, to also pursue YOUR dreams!! Because, let me tell you, I think we’ve all learned how unpredictable life can be . . . and how it can literally change in the blink of an eye.

So, if not now, when??